Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
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Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.