You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
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Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
it’s either covid or clever vampires
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.