@BillyMeetsWorld: You're never too old to disappoint your parents.
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@Playing_Dad: Wife: OMG the baby just swallowed some Scrabble tiles! Me: Which ones? Wife: BLTOUR & E Me: Well, that could spell trouble
@SomeChrisTweets: *ding* This is your captain speaking. We... Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We're out of fuel.
@LindaInDisguise: I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can't even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
@mydanimarie: Guns don't kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.