Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
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AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Cats are still liquid.
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero