@BillyMeetsWorld: You're never too old to disappoint your parents.
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@lilgapeach30: If I had a dollar for every time I heard "grow up!" I could buy a seriously awesome security system to keep doody heads out of my fort.
@UncleDuke1969: Date: So… Tinder, huh? Me: Yup. Date: … Me: This is kind of awkward. Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures. Me: You think so, MOM?
@MatCro: [restaurant] ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It's my birthday WAITER: Your birthday? It's on the house ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or