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This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I really had high hopes for this year though
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing