You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
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One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.