You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
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I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
everyone’s a critic
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over