You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
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me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
#NoRestForTheWicked
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym