You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.