You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
You Might Also Like
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I can’t stop watching this.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.