“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
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*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
“The Perfect Relationship”
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”