reviewed some movies recently
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Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I identify as an antique shop.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?