I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
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I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang