You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
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Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.