You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
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The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?