You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
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I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear