You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
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A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
#gardening
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.