You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
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I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No