“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
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Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Writing, She Murdered.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything