You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
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“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
just having fun
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money