You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
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“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts