@Brianhopecomedy: You're probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
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@TheAlexNevil: I've had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said "C'mon, can't we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes."
@Reverend_Scott: COPS: WE'RE COMIN IN "have a police dog?" COPS: YES "only the dog can come in" COP: BUT- "my house, my rules" COP: I guess that's true
@xLiserx: Dog Park Kid: What's his name? Me: Dorito. He's a therapy taco. Don't pet him. Kid:*Throws Ball* Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
@MrSpoonicorn: *Gandalf rollerblades into the club* "YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE-- *slips on a drink & lands flat on face* "SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE