@Brianhopecomedy: You're probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
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@milehighocd: Don't take a shower when you're drunk. The curtain does not support you when you fall. Trust me.
@Fatgoldfish4: I dunno if anyone else follows Play-Doh on Facebook but you should cause they're doing some serious damage control
@NicCageMatch: I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
@markleggett: My cat's staring at the wall again. Either she can see ghosts, or she's mulling over past social situations she wishes she'd handled better.