You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
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House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
i meant to share this earlier
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
men what’s stopping you from looking like this