You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
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Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
welcome back
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
i meant to share this earlier
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.