@Eightinchgoat: You're right, strange woman giving me your opinion on having tattoos. I regret them right now because they caused you to talk to me.
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@ValeeGrrl: 5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE'RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN'T WE DOING GOOD? Me: [in bed] Yeah. You're doing GREAT.
@slimmy_shady: MARRIAGE PROTIP - Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
@shkeeber: I'm not drunk. I'm a gravity inspector... ...and everything seems to be in order here. *falls down/passes out*