Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
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My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what