“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
You Might Also Like
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
What kind of a cult is this?
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper