“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
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Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Not all heroes wear capes…
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron