You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
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“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.