[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
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When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
an airline just for babies.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday