@PimpleEye: You're so vein, you probably think this bloody cut is about you.
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@slimmy_shady: [wife enters as I'm doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It's not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
@jonnysun: ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it WIFE: well santas not real, hun ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
@ericsshadow: My wife googled "when is it safe to leave a child at home alone" and now she won't let me stay home alone.
@Home_Halfway: Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you're raising a child now.