Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
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Does this dress make me look cat?
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
i’m sure it’s fine
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends