what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
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“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce