you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
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Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.