Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
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Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Just so funny
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”