Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
This is a true ally.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.