You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
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Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.