You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
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wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Self-cleaning conscience
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.