I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”