24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
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In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”