Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
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If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Our lord and savoury.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly