guys i’ve cracked the code
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[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
This can never not be funny 😭😭
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news