The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
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Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG