You’re the unreachable booger of people.
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[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.