@Mikecanrant: "YOU'RE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER!" - I yell at the McDonalds drive thru cashier after she tells me its 25 cents more for extra BBQ sauce.
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@TheTweetOfGod: Since yesterday was the National Day of Prayer, today must be the National Day of Disappointment.
@VeryLonelyLuke: I ordered a pizza. I don't think the guy understood how to get here. Is it free if it's 5 years late?
@MarkAFuqua_Hunt: I'll always be here for you.... Unless we run out of beer, and someone has some over there. Then I'll be over there for you.
@StoferComic: My neighbor just planed an orange tree. I told him, "That's a strange color for a tree."