@Mikecanrant: "YOU'RE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER!" - I yell at the McDonalds drive thru cashier after she tells me its 25 cents more for extra BBQ sauce.
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@SteveKoehler22: One time, when the kids were teenagers, we tried to ditch them on a family holiday. It didn't work, unfortunately. They found us.
@chadchaines: what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought "you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce."
@Vodkantots: I bet if that Malaysian plane had stolen tweets, some of you guys would've found it already.