“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
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If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.