This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
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I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Google assistant rules
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.