You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
You Might Also Like
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?