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Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.