“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
You Might Also Like
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no