You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
You Might Also Like
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
I have never heard an armadillo before.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
This came to me in a dream.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
I only treason on days ending in y
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Ah yes. The three genders
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself