My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
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3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
“What movie?” 🤔
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.