@peachesanscream: You've seen nothing until you've seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
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@LoveNLunchmeat: I'm scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
@TwoSapphiresBlu: Daughter: Why don't kids at school get my sarcastic humor? Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
@_sinistroll: WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun ME: This couch has such great lumber support WIFE: See?? THERAPIST: Try to stop ME: Oakey dokey