Yup.
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I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?