[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly