My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
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I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
😩😩😩
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.